Friday, December 04, 2009


So, last week I was convinced/tricked into going to see Twilight because of my friend's unhealthy obsession with werewolves. I thankfully, didn't pay for the atrociousness that was about to be put before me.

Although, my friends have figured out ways to trick me into doing things.

As I turned the corner, I saw a line up that put a 1999 Britney Spears/Spice Girls crossover concert to shame.

Waiting in line was an ordeal that my friends and I were not very appreciative of. There was a lot of squealing coming from the various Twitards*.

*Twitards: Fans of Twilight, obsessive and usually under the age of 16

I had somehow managed to bypass the Twilight phenomena from the last movie and the books, so I went into this one knowing nothing.

That's right, in the magical world of Twilight, not only can vampires GO OUTSIDE DURING DAYLIGHT (because they live in 'the cloudiest city in the states' called FORKS) but instead of BURNING TO DEATH INSTANTLY, the Twilight vampires SPARKLE. That's all.

They sparkle, you guys.

There was a moment in the "film" where the head vampire douche, Edward Cullen was asked by a teacher to repeat a passage of "iambic pentameter" from Romeo & Juliet, as the camera slowly trucked in on him looking distraught and slightly off to the side trying to act badass, I gazed out into the audience, and saw girls swooning, smiling and clutching their jackets as if they'd just seen the most wonderful display of romance ever put on screen.

Makes you wonder, if you had lived hundreds of years, were immortal, and could basically do anything, would going back to HIGH SCHOOL really be at the top of the priority list?

Girls apparently think stalking is sexy, as in this scene when Edward shows up in Bella's room while she's at school and just sort of ...stands there gazing at her things. Nope, not creepy AT ALL.

Then came the stupid werewolf boy. Every chance he got, it was off with the shirt. He also wore jean cutoffs...reminded me of Tobias from Arrested Development.

Edward would do anything to protect his beloved, especially knocking her around every chance he got.

Edward then decides to leave Bella forever because he loves her or something. To which Bella shows just about as much emotion as she would to a piece of toast coming out of a toaster. Edward then leaves her stranded in the woods to fend for herself during rumoured werewolf attacks (because he loves her). Swoon.
The movie ends at some point thereafter, it's kind of a blur.

"The many faces of Robert Pattinson, Professional Knob." or "Acting with Eyebrows"

"Look Girls!! Now you can buy Twilight inspired makeup and read about how to 'snag your Edward'!" (pictures taken at a local pharmacy)

Never have I seen a movie where the lead actors, supposedly real-life lovers (which I'm sure was the brainchild of a brilliant publicist) have so little chemistry and barely even tried moving their mouths to talk. Perhaps it's because there isn't enough teen angst in me, perhaps it's because I'm slightly upset at the complete vampire overhaul that Stephenie Meyer has done, or even how they managed to make even werewolves slightly uncool (I say slightly, because let's face it, werewolves are pretty awesome); but this movie set a new standard in terrible - it went from being bad, to hilarious back around to being bad again, to me wanting to gouge my eyes out. Here's the best review I've ever read of it told entirely through LOLcats (thanks, Lissa) Also, here's why Breaking Dawn must be made into a movie (warning: profanity and major offensiveness.)

In short, I can't wait for the next one - apparently it will have 50% more sparkles. Maybe Joss Whedon will direct it :)

Team Werewolf (is that a thing?) all the way.