Twilihate.

So, I went to see the newest entry in the unintelligible Twilight series. Why? I'm not sure. Apparently I hate myself.

Bella (who still has only one facial expression) and Edward (the sparkly one) are getting married. Her parents are THRILLED with the idea.

Apparently, no parents in Stephanie Meyer's inane, messed up universe thinks it weird that an 18 year old girl is marrying a dead dude, and eventually turning into one. It's cool.

NOT COOL.

After finding out they're getting married, the wolf dude is pissed off about their love so he runs into the woods and stays there doing things for a while. No one cares.

At one point, Jacob and Edward argue with each other about how 'what happens on the honeymoon' might kill Bella. SHE IS STANDING RIGHT THE HELL THERE. Two overbearing stalkery dudes arguing about hypothetical futuresex? That my friends, is ROMANCE.

I've always wondered (no I haven't) where a vampire would go his honeymoon. Well, question: answered! Obviously somewhere where he can show off his true sparkle. Why not the sunniest place ever? RIO.

This is when things get messed up.

Bella ends up with bruises from her new hubby after their first night together because he's like, totally so strong? Edward apologizes for giving them to her, followed by HER apologizing for being so weak to incur them.

Yeah. I'll let you figure out what's wrong with that.

Edward then no longer apparently wants to touch her. So she has to chase after him like Pepe le Pew chasing after his cat, but less fun. Yep, a few days after getting married they're already bored of each other, now Stephanie Meyer and Kim Kardashian have something in common.

My theory is that Edward just realized some things about himself. It's cool, man. We all knew.

When Edward finally decides to touch her again, Bella gets insta-preggers. This is followed by Edward wondering 'how can this happen?!', freaking out and brooding more. Someone apparently had time to do everything during his life but learn where babies come from.

Then, a demon baby ends up eating Bella from the inside. This was the only character I could relate to, as I understood her motivations, and we both wanted the same thing.

Yes, while there's a seizure inducing scene where Edward performs a c-section with his fangs, my favourite part came right at the end when Jacob "imprints" (falls in love) with the baby.

A GROWN MAN, FALLS IN LOVE WITH A NEWBORN BABY. LEGITIMATE, I WILL MARRY YOU (hopefully when it's actually legal) LOVE.
EVERYONE IS OK WITH THIS.

I miss the days of real vampires. And actual characters like Buffy, who you know, DID things instead of just...sitting around waiting to be told what to do. Hopefully this doesn't influence what girls growing up today think of what dudes should be like.

Also, all I could think of for the entirety of the time that the wolf dudes were on screen was this:

I had a couple of thoughts while watching the film as well, much to the chagrin of the twitards sitting around me.

Screw Stephanie Meyer and this series. I'm done.