Friday, December 04, 2009

Twilight.

So, last week I was convinced/tricked into going to see Twilight because of my friend's unhealthy obsession with werewolves. I thankfully, didn't pay for the atrociousness that was about to be put before me.

Although, my friends have figured out ways to trick me into doing things.

As I turned the corner, I saw a line up that put a 1999 Britney Spears/Spice Girls crossover concert to shame.

Waiting in line was an ordeal that my friends and I were not very appreciative of. There was a lot of squealing coming from the various Twitards*.

*Twitards: Fans of Twilight, obsessive and usually under the age of 16



I had somehow managed to bypass the Twilight phenomena from the last movie and the books, so I went into this one knowing nothing.

That's right, in the magical world of Twilight, not only can vampires GO OUTSIDE DURING DAYLIGHT (because they live in 'the cloudiest city in the states' called FORKS) but instead of BURNING TO DEATH INSTANTLY, the Twilight vampires SPARKLE. That's all.

They sparkle, you guys.

There was a moment in the "film" where the head vampire douche, Edward Cullen was asked by a teacher to repeat a passage of "iambic pentameter" from Romeo & Juliet, as the camera slowly trucked in on him looking distraught and slightly off to the side trying to act badass, I gazed out into the audience, and saw girls swooning, smiling and clutching their jackets as if they'd just seen the most wonderful display of romance ever put on screen.

Makes you wonder, if you had lived hundreds of years, were immortal, and could basically do anything, would going back to HIGH SCHOOL really be at the top of the priority list?

Girls apparently think stalking is sexy, as in this scene when Edward shows up in Bella's room while she's at school and just sort of ...stands there gazing at her things. Nope, not creepy AT ALL.

Then came the stupid werewolf boy. Every chance he got, it was off with the shirt. He also wore jean cutoffs...reminded me of Tobias from Arrested Development.

Edward would do anything to protect his beloved, especially knocking her around every chance he got.

Edward then decides to leave Bella forever because he loves her or something. To which Bella shows just about as much emotion as she would to a piece of toast coming out of a toaster. Edward then leaves her stranded in the woods to fend for herself during rumoured werewolf attacks (because he loves her). Swoon.
The movie ends at some point thereafter, it's kind of a blur.

"The many faces of Robert Pattinson, Professional Knob." or "Acting with Eyebrows"

"Look Girls!! Now you can buy Twilight inspired makeup and read about how to 'snag your Edward'!" (pictures taken at a local pharmacy)

Never have I seen a movie where the lead actors, supposedly real-life lovers (which I'm sure was the brainchild of a brilliant publicist) have so little chemistry and barely even tried moving their mouths to talk. Perhaps it's because there isn't enough teen angst in me, perhaps it's because I'm slightly upset at the complete vampire overhaul that Stephenie Meyer has done, or even how they managed to make even werewolves slightly uncool (I say slightly, because let's face it, werewolves are pretty awesome); but this movie set a new standard in terrible - it went from being bad, to hilarious back around to being bad again, to me wanting to gouge my eyes out. Here's the best review I've ever read of it told entirely through LOLcats (thanks, Lissa) Also, here's why Breaking Dawn must be made into a movie (warning: profanity and major offensiveness.)

In short, I can't wait for the next one - apparently it will have 50% more sparkles. Maybe Joss Whedon will direct it :)

Team Werewolf (is that a thing?) all the way.
R.



41 comments:

irene said...

My absolute favorite post of all times!!

Amanda said...

Hahahah! That was awesome Randeep!
I loved your expressions during the film 8D You MUST do more of these sometime.

Boris M. said...

Niiiice,you summed it up pretty accurately. Yeah, I like the ones of you watching it, too! Awesome.

sarah elizabeth wallace said...

BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!! I love you're review. I miss u sooooooo much. Wish I went and saw it with you... your pics are worth more than a thousand words.
"The many faces of Robert Pattinson's acting" - is my favourite.
I'd hump your leg if i could....

can I send a link to your review to "letters to twilight"? I'm sure they'd LOVE it.

Hilary said...

BAHAHA.
Oh Randeep- How I love thee.
Your post pretty much summarized our ridiculous evening with the Twi-hards . Stupid Jon and his obsession with werewolves. Fighting werewolves.
I love angry me :):)Kudos, sir.

Jeremy Bernstein said...

Hilarious! Love it!

Allie said...

It's been a while Randeep! this post was incredible, so true. I read the first book and was pretty much revolted. I like my vampires badass, not emotastic and freaking SPARKLY.

Anyway great facial expressions, totally hilarious, I can't wait for you to see another terrible movie :)

Keelamari said...

Rockin. I love how Jon is beige.

DrawDoll said...

Hahahahahah yeah awesome post I loved it from top to bottom :D Umm for the record it's all about team Vampires hahaha.

Tealin said...

OH MY GOD RANDEEP.

This entry has justified the existence of the movie, because the world would be a poorer place without it (your post, not the movie) And so many hi-larious drawerings! Well done, sir!

I am amazed – amazed – you, who are actually acquainted with the internet, managed to go this long without learning that Twilight vampires sparkle. The mind boggles.

And while I am hugely grateful for your take on any and all things in the movie, there is yet one matter of tremendous importance upon which you are frustratingly silent:
WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL SHEEN?

Michael Sheeeeeen ...

The one review I read on AICN said he was the one member of the cast who recognized how ridiculous it all was and had great fun being boogly-eyed and saying everything in a threatening hiss. Is it true?

Tealin said...

More, because I got distracted by Michael Sheen and forgot some other things:

1. We all know girls totally fall for the guy who hurls them dangerously through the air to 'save' them. It is only a pity that
a) Bella (according to your illustration) did not have any nice cushy garbage to break her fall and
b) this was not a song cue.

Following from which:
2. Joss Whedon's Twilight would ... be ... awesome. I suspect it might annoy some of the fans, though. The stupid fans, who do not deserve it. ... For that matter, do any of us deserve it? Even if we appreciate it, what have we done to deserve such a (hypothetical) gift?

3. Bored immortals would totally go back to high school – it has the ideal combination of hot chicks and a naive captive population on which to play mind games. And if it's just too much, you're out in 3-4 years an no one's the wiser.

4. Forks is the name of an actual town on the Olympic Peninsula. I am surprised at the diligent research (i.e. looking at an atlas) that went into this on Ms Meyer's part, but am more disappointed that she did not go instead for the also 100% real town which goes by the name 'Humptulips.' Don't believe me?

Aminder Dhaliwal said...

if this was facebook i would 'like' this.

say it.
say it, out loud.

VAMPIRE


D:


you'll like this too....
http://www.mylifeistwilight.com

Jessie Ilham said...

so awesome^^ forwarding this to everyone!

lindsay said...

OH TEEEEHEEEHEEEEEEEEEE! that totally made my day, deep.

Moro Rogers said...

Heh. I'm pretty sick of vampires that aren't...These are really funny.^^

Aurian said...

Very funny! The scary part? I now kinda want to see this movie just to see them sparkle. Where have I been? Sparkling sounds fun. Guess some things I'll just have to live without.

You deserve a medal or something just for surviving this movie, or at least a Starbucks gift card. Again, great post. My favorite was the drawing with you being lured in by a cup of coffee.

More please.

Mike Vatcher said...

soooooo.....you liked it?

Ellie Ventura said...

funny review..i agree Rob Pattinson doesn't really have much emotional change, and neither does Kristin Stewart, but in the film's defense, I do believe the book adds a lot more to the story than just what you see on film. Like when you said Edward stares at her things in her room, he's actually taking away everything he gave her so that she can forget him because he was trying to leave her (for her own safety). When I went to watch it, I think I almost got trampled on by all the "Twihards". This movie was called "New Moon", not Twilight, it's just a continuation of the Twilight Saga. All in all, the film was like a piecing together of parts of the book. I think it could have been WAY stronger story-wise; and yeah...the sparkling thing is a huge downplay on the vampire image! Check out Dracula 2000...now there's a vampire!!! (ok i'm being bias because of who plays the part, you know me), but I thinks that's what all the hype is about...the actors, not necessarily the story itself. Typical teenage craziness! Look at New Kids, Backstreet Boys, etc... same phenomenon, just in film format rather than in music. Great review Deep!

Ellie Ventura said...

omg i just read that link about making "breaking dawn" into a movie...it's hilarious and sooo true. The entire story is pretty outrageous!!! LOL
Keep the posts coming Randeep! Love it.

Matthew Kalinauskas said...

How DARE YOU Randeep! How dare YOU!!! I can't believe that you would have the heart to say that New Moon was a waste of time! If I had the superhuman ability to concoct some kind of a franchise that could brainwash an entire generation of consumers to buy and consume my product I would be the happiest dude alive...

In other words I commend Marty Bowen (executive producer of Twilight) to have achieved the best prank in Western History! He was able to manipulate millions of little girls to ask their mom's for money, go to the theatre, sit for 2 hours, fall into a comatose state, and leave feeling somewhat all right... except for the people like you, you were upset in the end. And that's funny. I guess that's what it must feel like to leave the Matrix for the first time.

sucker :)

-Matt

Anonymous said...

Randeep! Genius!:D
-Jarrett

Evan Bonifacio said...

hilarity! keep em coming brotha!

Adam Koford said...

This is so great! I love the "I'll save you" bit!
Thanks for pointing me in the direction of your blog, I'm adding it to my reader!

TH3DEN said...

Best movie review ever!! Freakin hilarious the different acting faces! I hope your eyes have recovered from watching the film. Are you going to do one for 2012 cause i would like to see your take on that. :D I felt like they were insulting my intelligence the whole way through. Anyways, nice one man! :D

pakoto said...

hahahahahahahahahaah i love this post Randeep!(the drawings are so great!)

chapeau!

Jeff said...

WTF!! How could you turn your back on a fellow "Twihard?!?" I an NEVER talking to you agian. Fine. I won't even take of my shirt for you. Nope. Keep begging. It won't happen.

Mark said...

bahaha Joker!!!! nice

Rui Sousa said...

Fantastic work you have here! Really amazing!

If you have time, I invite you to watch my art work at
www.ruisousaartworks.blogspot.com

Best Regards

Rui Sousa

Alexis said...

i can't believe they had the gull to stick in a passage of romeo and juliet. i mean there's cliche and then there's hit-you-over-the-head with-a-mallet.

Heidi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heidi Smith said...

So funny!!!

Felipe Siem said...

I actually read the whole post, hilarious stuff Randeep, loved the expression progression of you watching the film hahaha. It's safe to say I'll never watch this film anyways but thxs for warning the general public lol.

jacks said...

nice drawings!

Paul Halasa said...

Ahaha, this is so great with the text and accompanying drawings, you really sold your experience. Great job man! Hilarious!

opi said...

very nice

Andrew Craig said...

haha, even Jesus couldn't have put it better...

alisaan said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Lwang said...

your sense of seriousness is inspiring =Dr

Floyd Norman said...

I went to a Stephenie Meyer book signing.

Oh lord! Am I turning into a pre teen girl?

Sheila Stephani said...

Randeep, I know this is too late in the fray but my god THIS IS AWESOME <3

sunshine said...

Hey cool stuff ya...very much intrigued too.