Twilight.

So, last week I was convinced/tricked into going to see Twilight because of my friend's unhealthy obsession with werewolves. I thankfully, didn't pay for the atrociousness that was about to be put before me.

Although, my friends have figured out ways to trick me into doing things.

As I turned the corner, I saw a line up that put a 1999 Britney Spears/Spice Girls crossover concert to shame.

Waiting in line was an ordeal that my friends and I were not very appreciative of. There was a lot of squealing coming from the various Twitards*.

*Twitards: Fans of Twilight, obsessive and usually under the age of 16

I had somehow managed to bypass the Twilight phenomena from the last movie and the books, so I went into this one knowing nothing.

That's right, in the magical world of Twilight, not only can vampires GO OUTSIDE DURING DAYLIGHT (because they live in 'the cloudiest city in the states' called FORKS) but instead of BURNING TO DEATH INSTANTLY, the Twilight vampires SPARKLE. That's all.

They sparkle, you guys.

There was a moment in the "film" where the head vampire douche, Edward Cullen was asked by a teacher to repeat a passage of "iambic pentameter" from Romeo & Juliet, as the camera slowly trucked in on him looking distraught and slightly off to the side trying to act badass, I gazed out into the audience, and saw girls swooning, smiling and clutching their jackets as if they'd just seen the most wonderful display of romance ever put on screen.

Makes you wonder, if you had lived hundreds of years, were immortal, and could basically do anything, would going back to HIGH SCHOOL really be at the top of the priority list?

Girls apparently think stalking is sexy, as in this scene when Edward shows up in Bella's room while she's at school and just sort of ...stands there gazing at her things. Nope, not creepy AT ALL.

Then came the stupid werewolf boy. Every chance he got, it was off with the shirt. He also wore jean cutoffs...reminded me of Tobias from Arrested Development.

Edward would do anything to protect his beloved, especially knocking her around every chance he got.

Edward then decides to leave Bella forever because he loves her or something. To which Bella shows just about as much emotion as she would to a piece of toast coming out of a toaster. Edward then leaves her stranded in the woods to fend for herself during rumoured werewolf attacks (because he loves her). Swoon.
The movie ends at some point thereafter, it's kind of a blur.

"The many faces of Robert Pattinson, Professional Knob." or "Acting with Eyebrows"

"Look Girls!! Now you can buy Twilight inspired makeup and read about how to 'snag your Edward'!" (pictures taken at a local pharmacy)

Never have I seen a movie where the lead actors, supposedly real-life lovers (which I'm sure was the brainchild of a brilliant publicist) have so little chemistry and barely even tried moving their mouths to talk. Perhaps it's because there isn't enough teen angst in me, perhaps it's because I'm slightly upset at the complete vampire overhaul that Stephenie Meyer has done, or even how they managed to make even werewolves slightly uncool (I say slightly, because let's face it, werewolves are pretty awesome); but this movie set a new standard in terrible - it went from being bad, to hilarious back around to being bad again, to me wanting to gouge my eyes out. Here's the best review I've ever read of it told entirely through LOLcats (thanks, Lissa) Also, here's why Breaking Dawn must be made into a movie (warning: profanity and major offensiveness.)

In short, I can't wait for the next one - apparently it will have 50% more sparkles. Maybe Joss Whedon will direct it :)

Team Werewolf (is that a thing?) all the way.
R.

Canadia!

Whenever I'm in the States, people always ask me what Canada is like. Today being Canada Day, and Canada's 142nd birthday, I figure I should finally give an accurate description, as well as clarify some myths about us neighboUrs to your North.

FACT: Canada is directly above (to the north of) the United States of America. We have 10 PROVINCES instead of STATES, as well as 3 TERRITORIES.

FACT: Our national colours are Red and White, and our flag features the Maple Leaf.
FACT: We have a Prime Minister instead of a President.

FACT: Our National Police are called the RCMP.

FACT: Each Province has their own Police force as well. Ontario's are called the Ontario Provincial Police.

FACT: Canada's national food is Tim Horton's, a "coffee" chain named after a famous hockey player.

FACT: Smarties in Canada are different! Instead of bizarre rolled up multicoloured chalky candy which we refer to as "rockets", Smarties are a delicious multicoloured chocolate. You are supposed to eat the red ones last.

FACT: It is always cold.

FACT: Fortunately, because we have winter all the time, we've gotten used to it and have acclimated to it.

FACT: We eat delicious Canadian chocolates called "Bueno Bars"

FACT: We go on maple syrup hunting expeditions riding moose into the wilderness.

FACT: In Canadia, Beavers are a man's best friend.



Note: Some of these facts may or may not be entirely ... true.

Happy Canada Day Everyone!

R.

Transformers 2

So, last week I made the mistake/choice of watching Transformers 2 - I *am* glad to say that there was no forking over of money on my part, thankfully. I thought I'd post my review/experience.

From the minute the opening credits rolled, the experience that was Transformers2 began. My life would never be the same.

Akin to the astronaut Dave from one of my favourite films 2001: A Space Odyssey, I may have seen Beyond the Infinite, I'm not entirely sure - as one never really can be.

I felt as though Director Extraordinaire Michael "KABOOM" Bay was actually physically inside my head, punching the very knowledge and being out of my brain for the 9 hour long duration of the movie.


I can't really remember when/how I stumbled out of the theater, it's all such a blur...this is the best rendition I can come up with based on the information I've pieced together.

It's not a blur for Michael "KABOOM" Bay though! He's laughing in his giant mac truck, painted like Optimus Prime, all the way to the bank.

I'm sorry that there aren't more details about the plot - or spoilers - as I can't really tell you what happened. There were explosions, loud colors, even louder noises. The entire movie looked like this to me:

I was reading up on the psyche of Michael "KABOOM" Bay, and I think this quote was amazing:

“Visual-effects supervisor Scott Farrar was in charge of turning Industrial Light & Magic’s computers up to 11 to create the new characters and told reporters that the sequel features 40 new characters. That and the increased resolution of the characters for new IMAX footage nearly exhausted ILM’s render farms: After one hard night of rendering computer-generated footage, some of the hardware actually exploded.”

Even the computers of ILM couldn't take the AWESOME that he was about to put on screen. He overcame, you guys.

I think this is the best movie review I've ever read

In short, you can clearly see that I really think you should go see the movie. It's a cinematic masterp...aw hell...It's the loudest, longest, eye-ringing, head-smacking movie I've ever seen, shock after shock of you wondering, "wow, how could this make any LESS sense?" and the question being answered over, and over, and over again.

If you do see it, don't resist it, don't try and make sense of it, let it take you. Whatever you think meets your eye, it's more than that.

KABOOOOOM!
R.

Movies!

Pulp Fiction

Drawings! I watched Pulp Fiction for the first time this past weekend (I know, I know, missed out on movies growing up, terrible tastes back in the day, etc.) and it was pretty cool. Unsurprisingly I'd assume, my favourite parts involved Jules Winfield (Samuel L. Jackson) and Vincent Vega (John Travolta).

Garden State

Garden State is a movie I used to watch a lot when it first came out on dvd. I hadn't seen it since then (number of years) and was worried it wouldn't live up to what I remembered. It did, albeit in a different way. Not really amazingly shot or anything, but he made good with what he was working with, I think. The emotional core of the movie, which I think is contained in Sam's (Natalie Portman) character was really endearing - she's (I think) extremely likable and I love the way she opens Andrew up to not shying away from life or running from his problems.

Speaking of running.. Nicole, Lissa and I were walking back from lunch whereupon Nicole attempted to catch a piece of dust. Unsuccessful, the dust attempted to retaliate, and tried to attach itself to Nicole like an evil parasite. Nicole ran.
The dust was defeated. This drawing was created as a commemoration to the event.

The Walt Stanchfield books are coming!!! Can't WAIT! Put together by the legendary Disney producer, Don Hahn, check out his site for an exclusive trailer!
Don't know who he is? Clay, Mark Kennedy and Will Finn have posted great accounts about the man himself.
Til next time!

R.