Tuesday, November 22, 2011


So, I went to see the newest entry in the unintelligible Twilight series. Why? I'm not sure. Apparently I hate myself.

Bella (who still has only one facial expression) and Edward (the sparkly one) are getting married. Her parents are THRILLED with the idea.

Apparently, no parents in Stephanie Meyer's inane, messed up universe thinks it weird that an 18 year old girl is marrying a dead dude, and eventually turning into one. It's cool.


After finding out they're getting married, the wolf dude is pissed off about their love so he runs into the woods and stays there doing things for a while. No one cares.

At one point, Jacob and Edward argue with each other about how 'what happens on the honeymoon' might kill Bella. SHE IS STANDING RIGHT THE HELL THERE. Two overbearing stalkery dudes arguing about hypothetical futuresex? That my friends, is ROMANCE.

I've always wondered (no I haven't) where a vampire would go his honeymoon. Well, question: answered! Obviously somewhere where he can show off his true sparkle. Why not the sunniest place ever? RIO.

This is when things get messed up.

Bella ends up with bruises from her new hubby after their first night together because he's like, totally so strong? Edward apologizes for giving them to her, followed by HER apologizing for being so weak to incur them.

Yeah. I'll let you figure out what's wrong with that.

Edward then no longer apparently wants to touch her. So she has to chase after him like Pepe le Pew chasing after his cat, but less fun. Yep, a few days after getting married they're already bored of each other, now Stephanie Meyer and Kim Kardashian have something in common.

My theory is that Edward just realized some things about himself. It's cool, man. We all knew.

When Edward finally decides to touch her again, Bella gets insta-preggers. This is followed by Edward wondering 'how can this happen?!', freaking out and brooding more. Someone apparently had time to do everything during his life but learn where babies come from.

Then, a demon baby ends up eating Bella from the inside. This was the only character I could relate to, as I understood her motivations, and we both wanted the same thing.

Yes, while there's a seizure inducing scene where Edward performs a c-section with his fangs, my favourite part came right at the end when Jacob "imprints" (falls in love) with the baby.



I miss the days of real vampires. And actual characters like Buffy, who you know, DID things instead of just...sitting around waiting to be told what to do. Hopefully this doesn't influence what girls growing up today think of what dudes should be like.

Also, all I could think of for the entirety of the time that the wolf dudes were on screen was this:

I had a couple of thoughts while watching the film as well, much to the chagrin of the twitards sitting around me.

Screw Stephanie Meyer and this series. I'm done.

Monday, March 21, 2011

New York!

So, yes. It's been quite a while. I could go on with excuses as to why I haven't posted in forever, how it won't be this long til the next time, and how I'll try my best to update more frequently. But I won't ;) I've been having quite the adventure lately and I wanted to share some of the things I've learned along the way:

I'd often heard the rumor that New Yorker's were quite...ill-tempered, so this was what I imagined happening in the off chance (read: when) I got lost.

Nothing, however, could be further from the truth (I sincerely hope I'm not giving away a secret here...) New Yorkers are extremely, extremely nice and helpful. My theory is that it's due to so many non-natives, so everyone understands what it's like being new. Although, be wary of getting in their (our?) way during rush hour traffic on the subway.

The one thing I knew I'd miss about Toronto were the people. My friends, family and everyone I'd gotten accustomed to seeing week after week over the last year at our favourite karaoke spot and around town. But, I've met some amazing people and made some fantastic friends!

But, some things are in fact, irreplaceable.

One thing you always hear about New York is the dangerous amount of crime in the city. You do have to be aware of your surroundings, but there's no reason to be remotely as paranoid as I thought originally! It's actually one of the safest cities per capita in the US.

I'd heard about all these cockroach and bedbug infestations, and was not looking forward to dealing with these creatures. Luckily, I've only seen 2 with my friend Vadim...at a restaurant...that was REALLY good and had been open 27 years (the owner made a point of telling us this multiple times.).

Something I was looking forward to, as much as I love driving, was giving up my car. Being a driver, you hate pedestrians. Being a pedestrian, you hate drivers. In Toronto, I was both. But in NY I was looking forward to picking a side, so to speak. There was one minor thing I didn't forsee. Carrying big box items home on the subway.

Bumping into people in Toronto wasn't that uncanny as we all usually hung out in the same few areas. However, in New York, in a city of 8 million people - it is absolutely astounding that you can still bump into people you know anywhere, like in the middle of a crowded SoHo street.

I really thought I would miss Toronto a ton. There's a charm there that I thought no city could really capture. Til I got to New York. It has it's own wonderful charm. There's so much to see, do and explore, it's absolutely overwhelming and ridiculous. But, so far I've found some of my new favourite landmarks, restaurants, shops and parks.

There is nothing like just waking up, grabbing a bite and walking for literally hours trying to find the hidden corners and stores that are indicative of this city. Especially while being in a state of "everything is awesome and new all the time!"

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've drank the New York Kool Aid and well...